Thursday, October 2, 2008

i'm weak

Do you ever wake up just glad that the previous day is behind you, for crying out loud? Sheesh, I sure do! Although I woke up several times today, (thank you, teething baby) this morning was wrought with promise. Promise of a brand new, shiny morning where I can relax, get in the Word and exhale some of my stress from yesterday.
What was I thinking, scheduling a hair appointment right exactly at Jacklyn's nap time? Oh, not just any old day...but on a Wednesday. Wednesdays are crazy enough for me. We drive into Watsonville for Enrichment Day and then stick around until after church at night....around 9:00 p.m. We arrived at the hair appointment EARLY by the way. As I was sitting, getting gorgeous (is that a stretch?)I could hear my wonderful big girls playing nicely with Jacklyn AND getting school work done. It was perfect. Well, perfect with one bump....right on Jacklyn's cheek. She recovered quickly from a little spill and didn't even need Mommy kisses.
Next, we were off to drive around, eat our lunch (that I packed) and listen to a book on CD while Jacklyn sweetly drifted off to dreamland. Hmm....that one didn't work. She was awake and didn't show any signs of falling asleep. That's when my internal stress began.
Why oh why can't I just relax?? I was thinking, "Oh my! She needs to sleep. She has to sleep! We'll be in Watsonville all day and if she doesn't sleep, she'll be miserable. She'll be up all night because she'll be over tired. I'm such a bad Mommy. What was I doing, putting my hair needs above her sleeping needs?" You know what I'm sayin'....I was stressing myself out AND being mean to myself all at the same time.
The day was so beautiful and sunny. Really a perfect weather day. Why didn't I just take a nice deep breath and enjoy the sunshine? Instead, I continued on a very icky downward spiral in my head. I have a new little "job" to do at Enrichment Day and I allowed that to stress me out. Jacklyn was a cutie pie and not grumpy at all....but I allowed that to stress me out. Jeff was needing our help after school...add to the stress. I continued to self-evaluate and kept thinking, "No one else would make such a big deal about all of this. You're a light-weight. Why can't you handle this? No one else would get so stressed. Some people have real problems of their own to deal with, so don't even think about complaining!" Blah, blah, blah.
The bottom line is that I had a whole bunch (at least for me) going on yesterday and I got stressed out. Adding insult to injury....I was talking awfully mean to myself and at the end of the day had a horrible headache and had picked at my fingers until they were bleeding.
This morning I started Week 3 homework in Beth Moore's Daniel study and she talks about image-building. My goodness was I convicted! I have come to the realization that I want to be seen as much stronger than I really am. I constantly compare myself with others and, in my eyes, come up short. (I'm not just talking about my 5'2" frame.) I want to be strong. I really do. I remember telling someone recently that of all the things I've been called, I don't think "strong" has ever been one of them.
I should rejoice in that though, right? I believe I've read somewhere before that in my weakness HE is made strong. I could use a good strong dose of HIS strength today!! I also need to realize that I have a very real enemy who wants to thwart any and all plans that my Loving and Strong Father has for me. When I say that I was talking mean to myself....I have a hunch I didn't just come up with those thoughts on my own. Boy, if you could've heard was really pathetic. I was a walking defeated woman and wouldn't take even a second to grab someone and ask for prayer. (I want to *look* strong, remember?)
I am so blessed, though. I found out later that my sweet friends who were in Bible study, even prayed for me. Praise God for that. I certainly needed it. And I still do. So, if you took the time to read this....pray for me, please. I'm weak and I admit it. In fact, I'm glad to say it....because I am in great need of HIM and His strength!


For the Life of Me . . . said...

I love to read your blogs. You write so well and seem to always to hit on the heart of the matter, at least what is the matter with my heart! Worshipping of my image, ouch! I decided after your pep talk that it really doesn't matter what in my mind is "supposed" to be happening, I need to putter around and just live, calmy, one day at a time, with whatever strength He allots me that day. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. I have to get it through my very thick head that it is NOT about me, but about Him and His purposes for me and for those around me. It's His agenda not mine. Painful, painfree, or whatever.

Thanks for the lesson.

Desiree said...

Nice. Very Nice. I am also weak!