Wednesday, June 24, 2009

funk and thoughts from a really hard season....

The following is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago. Thank the Lord, I've been doing much better since this. I decided to go ahead and post it (editing it just a smidge) because it will serve as a good reminder for me of many things. Number one, that sometimes life is just hard. Number two, that God is good and really does answer our cries for help. I was too weak to take any steps forward for a while. I just sat down, right where I was, and asked Him to get me out of my pit. He did just that. I don't deserve His goodness, but I am SO thankful!

So, I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. I haven’t known exactly how to get out of it. I’ve over analyzed my life and come up with some pretty good excuses or explanations, though. Here are a few of them: “This has been a hard year. This has been a hard 7+ years with Jeff in school. Homeschooling is exhausting. I never get a break. I have a toddler. She hardly ever, ever sleeps through the night. It’s foggy. I live far from my friends. I live farther from my family. I never get time alone. Money is tight. Life is hard”, etc. Oh, I could go on. I’ve got a million of ‘em!
Today I’m reminded that what we spend our time thinking about and reflecting on 100% shapes the way we view ~ and subsequently LIVE ~ our lives! I realize there are areas in my life that need some real attention. I’ve got areas of selfishness, icky competition, comparison and even some discontentment. These things have snuck up on me because I’ve been spending much of my days with my eyes on the wrong things. Thinking negative (and selfish) thoughts are killing me!
So, what’s a girl to do? The excuses I listed all have at least an element of truth to them. I can feel validated and justified to stay in my funk if I want. Or, I can see those as indicators. I was in my car the other day and the “Check Engine” light came on. It’s time for an oil change. That handy little light comes onto let us know that if things aren’t dealt with… changing the oil…..eventually, you will have disastrous results. Your car could blow up or something. (Okay, maybe not blow up….but, it will stop working.)
When I see these issues creeping up in my life, things like loneliness, isolation, competition or discontentment, I should treat them like a “Check Engine” light. I need to take care of them. However, what I’ve done is one of two things: either pretend I don’t see them or, most recently, beat myself up because they are there. Connection, attention, significance, etc. are all just needs…..just as a car needs oil. I’ve had a “Check Engine” light on for a while and it’s time to take care of it. What a handy tool it is.
I don’t like what I’ve been seeing in my life. Again, like a car, the longer you go without changing the oil, the more gunk builds up. I’ve been seeing some gunk. But, today I’m determined to get into the shop. I’m going to deal with the gunk before any disastrous results ensue. God is my mechanic and I trust Him completely to do the job and handle it all with great care.
I think realizing that I’ve got to take care of some needs is a good start. I will shift my focus, however. I can’t sit there and dwell on what I’m lacking. I also need to stop and pay attention to the countless blessings all around me. I’ve got an amazing “car” here!! The oil doesn’t make the car, if that analogy makes any sense. My life is fantastic! I have a husband who loves me and 3 of the most amazing girls ever to walk the planet. I have been entrusted to live this life abundantly with them and that is exactly what I intend to do!
Clearly, I can’t do it on my own. I get into funks. I’ve got some gunk. Funk and gunk. I’m human. I’m flawed. I’m weak. But, my God is bigger. I will continue pressing into Him. He will become my focus as I memorize scripture, get into His word and keep worship as the soundtrack of my life. I’m hopeful today that I am going to be okay. I will take one step at a time and allow God to meet my every need. He will do it. He promises us that “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness.” 2 Peter 1:3